Saturday, October 9, 2010


I can honestly say that a lot of my past relationship issues have stemmed from my lack of being able to trust. I was once told that if you have issues with trust that u only have those issues because you are not trustworthy, and I guess that may be the case because in some cases I don't necessarily trust myself.
I am easily swayed into believing whatever fits best in my head about a situation and having lived with my imagination and bonded the way we have, I can make something out of nothing as easily as an only child can entertain his or herself. I really can't put my finger on when the issue started, if it were a time in my life that trust was most abused, earned, and shattered it would have to be early on in my journey.
But the lessons learned me more often than not to see ppl for who they are and not who i want them to be. And, by doing so I gradually digress to believing that as long as each person is assigned a role, given a title, a job description, and boundaries that trust was completely unnecessary because what more had I to do with it if everyone would only play their role and stick to their function. I mean, it would be easy to trust people to be who they are by defining who they are in my mind and not allowing my feelings to define their essence. Because, much like future plans and goals I tended to look more at the potential of a person rather than who they actually were, which again, led to my issues.
Recollecting my tainted history, I could clearly see that the only time ppl lost my trust were when I gave them a bit to much but had I let them play their role and live out their position I would have never had to see that other side of them. By the same token, had I only given of me when I had the extra to give and not need to be needed or repaid, they wouldn't have had to see the other side of me. The ice box where my heart used to be side, the idgaf if u live for ever or die right this moment side, the take three more steps toward me and i will introduce u to Jesus side, that ok see what u made me do inner demon that I fight with every night not to see myself being. But I couldn't blame that on anyone outside because it is only me who controls it, controls which rules i bend, and which I break, for who and why and the chances I take. SO to be mad at the next person for that would simply be,
saying they had more control over me than me and that can't b
Even when i can't trust me, I can always trust what is to be what it is and either accept it or reject it, but it never alters what is. I can look at it through rose colored glasses all I want but sh!t only comes in so many shades and it all smells the same:) lmao lmao lmao but seriously, I can't say anyone has successfully ran game on me simply bcuz they would have to be on a 24 hour a day marathon 2 play more games with me than I play with myself! out of spite, ignorance, or boredom I allow these experiences to be, but if I didn't, would I be living or just existing:) Life is too short not to enjoy it and my heart is a muscle so rather than letting it wither away in safety I would rather expose it to the fire a bit to mold and shape it into something beautiful, something worthy of admiration, and to be given as much as it has given, but bitter b!tches can't do that:) So I will work on trusting me and loving me like I love everyone else by being as patient as I am with them with myself and allowing the occasional excuse of "well dayum can i just c what it feels like" to be enough to justify my willful ignorance. At least for a little while, until it hurts too much to keep the lie alive. Then I will take time to heal, reflect, revise, edit, and reformat until I am back again, ready for round two. Just like the phoenix, even from the dust from my feet, where ever my essence is I will rise to fight again:)

No comments:

Post a Comment