Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Confusion

I am confused
like i genuinely don't know how
I feel about u
I mean
sometimes I like u, u know
like strong like usually right before or
after u know:)
But other times, I would kinda like to lay u
down in front of a car and play
speed bump with u
d@mn, it does sound worse when u say it out loud
lmao lmao lmao

All I know for sure is
that I need u, right now
for some reason unknown 2 me
or so it seems cuz when
I do decide to fire u, I just
can't come up with a reason
and even if I do come up with a reason,
I never can find the words to tell u
and just when I do find the words to tell u
u don't answer the d@mn phone
and even though u call right back
after I hang up
the words
r still mysteriously
gone
(and trust u were fired at least
4 times, well 3 for sure but that last
1 I was on the fence about:)
but still u manage to say something
or do something that makes me
reconsider, like u hit me with that
mental liquor that makes me comfortable,
reassures me that ur ok
or at least u'll work
for Mr. Right now
anyway:)
just really wanted 2 write it down
and let the stupid
live out loud b4 my brain drowns
in confusion

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Y

I guess I needed to write something, you know, building good habits and such. Again, not too much going on:
1. The insurance company is completely full of mint green cow paddies, really wish I could just roll through there choppin ppl in the throat, but it's not their fault I m cheap. If only I really could have saved money switching 2 Geico I could tell these hoes to eat a disc (no typo) (pretty sure that was a wasted 1 but if I have 2 explain it, it loses the funny 2 me so I will just let that ride and u let it marinate a bit, in the meanwhile I think I just made my next fb stat, but i digress:)
2. The boo is still on that "I know u seein sumbody else" jazz, really wanna tell him to grow a pair and step it up but u cain't say dat, u cain't say dat, so I guess I will just stroke the ego and keep the peace so I don't allow his side comments 2 infect me with bitter b!tch syndrome (u know the symptoms: not givin a f@^k about sum1 else's feelings, genuinely getting pleasure from the pain of others, verbal flatulence, and attitudinal diarrhea:) (second stat:)
3. Seems like I really can't get right right now, everything is bad and stupid and poorly done . . . and in 3 to 5 days when the leaking stops, life will be right as rain, sometimes I hate being a woman. All these d@mn feelings, it would be so nice to just brush things off, but it's like estrogen forces u 2 feel stuff. I think that is y broads b so emotional, even when u try not 2 b just makes it come faster and harder. Can't speak for anyone else but it pisses me off to know in:)
that will b all, irritating myself now . . . until later:)

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Resolve

Feel like I have reached a point of resolve with many things that have been going through my mind and just wanted to document my progress:)
1. Though my car is wrecked, and this is the first time since I was about 13 that I didn't have a car or a real plan to get one but yet, having to wait on someone else to tell me what to do next (an entirely new set of issues:), I think I resolved today not to worry about it, officially. I mean it has to be resolved soon and all I can do is wait any way, finally have a plan and a back up plan for either way it could go and now all I need to do is be patient, which I can to do, u shut up:)
2. I still haven't responded to the "so y r u with me" ? but today I resolved that if he was so d@mn curious, he would ask again. And until he brings it up, I will just cross the sh!t creek bridge when it really gets to burnin my eyes:) lmao
3. I was concerned about going back to school but I believe today I will turn in a new app for the correct semester and really look off into what I need to do to make it happen. I may even call Sallie Mae to see their decision on my payments. Unlike most ppl, I am not really worried about student loans cuz the way I see it imma always owe somebody something, might as well have the type of stuff I want so when I am paying it back, I can see my money at work:)
4. I think I have hit a plateau with teaching, I don't want to quit or anything, but I definitely want to have a workable back up plan in the making so when it does get played out, I can move on in a rather seamless transition.
5. I know my body is getting older and changing, in some cases, out right mutiny:) lmao but I also know what I need to do to keep it in check, I think I have resolved today to really start doing that more actively or at least not ending a day until I took a genuine stab at it:)
We'll see where i m at with these things in a week or what new mischief that has camped in my head:)

Advice:)

One of my former students turned lil sista wrote a poem about love and this was my response. Sums up my feelings on the topic perfectly so I will quote my d@mn self:) lolol
I think that is the problem, we are all so in love with an idea and not with the reality. In reality, you are never going to find that one person that is perfect, there are no fairy tales and no one is coming on a horse to save you. Real lo...ve is finding someone who you can accept for who they are and work together to become the ppl you both want to be. If I am too young to give up on love and u r but a pup, keep trying. I think the lesson I have learned is that LOVE isn't love at all until u r where u want to be in life. I say this bcuz some women depend on a man for their self esteem, and sadly, because men know that, they exploit it. Once you are genuinely comfortable in ur place in space, u will project what you hope to attract. Until then, just have fun:) U sound like a 36 yr old woman desperate to find a man b4 her eggs all dry up, it's not that deep yet:) It's like playing a game only to win when u haven't learned all the rules yet. You may get close to the finish line but will never have the satisfaction of winning because you never really played the game, u r missing the fun part. Ppl will fall in and out of love their whole lives but the biggest lesson I have learned is that you can't love someone else until u really love urself. The reason why women let the 'love of some man be their downfall' is bcuz they don't love themselves enough to know what they are worth b4 they add this dude to their lives. Then once he is there, they kill themselves trying to keep him. I think my biggest fear in love was losing myself. Then, a man who I care about very much told me that a real man would never let u lose who u r, his only goal would be to enhance that person bcuz she is a reflection of him. If u messin wit dudes that love 2 c u broken, it is bcuz they are broken. What u need, little sis is a man who is whole:) I 2 once thought love was a unicorn (a pretty fable that really doesn't exist) but it can be as real as u make it. And, like every thing else worth having in life, you have to work for it before it works for u:) and don't be mad at these fellas that did u foul, u should thank them. These men will teach u things about urself u would have otherwise never known, don't sleep on the lesson cuz u r n ur feelings or u really will repeat it with every man that comes after:) hope this helps:) helped me 2 say it:)

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Single Ladies Haiku

May not b a path
We chose
but more bcuz we r
treated like
hoes

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Changes

It is amazing how one minute in life, when u think u have everything figured out, how quickly things can change . . . in an instant. I feel like I have been hit with several things all at once, wrecking my car, adding new people to my life, drawing new lines in the sand 4 the old ppl 2 cross and cross again and b mad when i fire them:) lol But the most amazing part is how ppl u expect 2 step up and have ur back back away and those who always play the background come to be the faces u depend on the most. I feel humbled in a different way, at the mercy of others, the kindness of strangers when everyone and everything I have ever known has always found a way 2 b less than I needed, but sadly, always exactly what I expected. But that's not the epiphany.
So where my moment of real, speechlessness came in a conversation with my guy 2day. Even though I am really at a point when I am completely falling apart, I appear happy and content to the outside world. I have always had the ability to smile when life is punching me in the throat, (we'll call that the talent of a fat kid trying not to cry in the cake even when no one around really wants him 2 enjoy it, random but made me chuckle so take it:) Anyway, so he started explaining that he didn't think he was the type of dude I needed, how I had everything going for me and he really didn't want to ruin it. And in the few seconds this man is pouring his heart out I was thinking, does he really not think he is good enough 4 me:) Wow, never heard that one b4, I was taken aback a bit:) Now, really analyzing the situation, we are not on the same level at all so I guess I could kinda see him asking what I am doing with him.
I haven't responded to the question yet, but what I was thinking was more along the lines of I m using u as a mirror 2 c myself more clearly. There are flaws that come up in a relationship that do not present themselves in regular life and, considering I have ran from every semi-attached experience with every man I have EVER been with in some way or another, I figure I am 2 tall 2 still be scared of the boogey man. SO i am not running any more.
It's almost funny bcuz at a time when my life could be falling apart from under me, the only thought really on my mind is what have I been running from, and y did I choose him 2 actually try with. He's practically telling me he's not worth it, in more than just his words but a part of me is just saying just let it play out and see what happens. But none of these things really equal up to a real answer, so I guess I will be stuck in this moment until something comes along, like it always does, and pushes me into the next frame of the comic strip that is my life:) lmao or at least laugh now . . cry later:)

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

questions

I had a kid ask me 2day if child support should go directly 2 the child cuz all his mom does is buy cigarettes with his check??? I told him that in an ideal world that would b awesome, however, as long as the majority of ur needs r met, according to the law, she can spend that money on whatever she wants, I also volunteered that though I didn't know him well, it might b to his benefit that she does smoke, considering how oft I myself would like to chop him in the throat and I only have 2 spend 90 minutes with him, every other day:) May make me a monster, but hell at least I kept it real with his lil tail considering no one else really is:)

Monday, October 11, 2010

random

ok, u can't turn a hoe n2 a housewife, but can u give a blind pimp the gift of hindsight, find a gay man who can make his sh!t tight, inspire ur inner demon 2 get some git right, stick ur head in a shark's mouth and make him not bite, teach a one armed man 2 hit right . . .

weak vs strong

There are few subtle things that separate
those who can from those who ain't
and even when the strong feel faint
they accept what is and
go hard in the paint:)
but the weak among us
infect like a fungus, spreading
their weak minded ways
living in that funky haze with
the thundering black cloud
following them around
raining down the hate they
live 2 recycle.
They are never a participant,
always a victim
never a boss, always the
worker bees
always a friend,
never an enemy
even to lazy 4 church, be
outside prayin 2 the trees
just
lost
And they see the strong with
pride in their step
and the plot and they scheme until
nothing is left
they want to beat all ur strength out
and choke out your breath
until u are simply a shell of
yourself,
just
like
them
and should u refuse their heated advance
they wait and wait till they get the chance
to make u sit out when it's ur turn 2 dance
all this they do for just a glance
of you
falling or failing
or both
and they only get rest if u abandon ur blessed
and u r left stressed, heart leaking out of ur chest,
only when u bleed r they impressed
because now u
finally
get to be
human
enough
for them
but can't blame them for their feverish
plot, who wouldn't want to have even a piece of
what u have got
a sense of peace that few will find
with bondage and baggage u refuse to
bind
and out of no way u do find
the space to grow and use
ur mind (which if they were not
so lazy 2 do,they could be and think, just like
you)
and though
u think ur strength a curse
imagine u could b much worse
for some can't help but b perverse
in evil deeds they stack their worth:)
and despite the stupid that they do
they'll take the life right out of u
so the measure of strength is but a test
to win the fight or
just try ur best:)

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Trust

I can honestly say that a lot of my past relationship issues have stemmed from my lack of being able to trust. I was once told that if you have issues with trust that u only have those issues because you are not trustworthy, and I guess that may be the case because in some cases I don't necessarily trust myself.
I am easily swayed into believing whatever fits best in my head about a situation and having lived with my imagination and bonded the way we have, I can make something out of nothing as easily as an only child can entertain his or herself. I really can't put my finger on when the issue started, if it were a time in my life that trust was most abused, earned, and shattered it would have to be early on in my journey.
But the lessons learned me more often than not to see ppl for who they are and not who i want them to be. And, by doing so I gradually digress to believing that as long as each person is assigned a role, given a title, a job description, and boundaries that trust was completely unnecessary because what more had I to do with it if everyone would only play their role and stick to their function. I mean, it would be easy to trust people to be who they are by defining who they are in my mind and not allowing my feelings to define their essence. Because, much like future plans and goals I tended to look more at the potential of a person rather than who they actually were, which again, led to my issues.
Recollecting my tainted history, I could clearly see that the only time ppl lost my trust were when I gave them a bit to much but had I let them play their role and live out their position I would have never had to see that other side of them. By the same token, had I only given of me when I had the extra to give and not need to be needed or repaid, they wouldn't have had to see the other side of me. The ice box where my heart used to be side, the idgaf if u live for ever or die right this moment side, the take three more steps toward me and i will introduce u to Jesus side, that ok see what u made me do inner demon that I fight with every night not to see myself being. But I couldn't blame that on anyone outside because it is only me who controls it, controls which rules i bend, and which I break, for who and why and the chances I take. SO to be mad at the next person for that would simply be,
saying they had more control over me than me and that can't b
true
right???
Even when i can't trust me, I can always trust what is to be what it is and either accept it or reject it, but it never alters what is. I can look at it through rose colored glasses all I want but sh!t only comes in so many shades and it all smells the same:) lmao lmao lmao but seriously, I can't say anyone has successfully ran game on me simply bcuz they would have to be on a 24 hour a day marathon 2 play more games with me than I play with myself! out of spite, ignorance, or boredom I allow these experiences to be, but if I didn't, would I be living or just existing:) Life is too short not to enjoy it and my heart is a muscle so rather than letting it wither away in safety I would rather expose it to the fire a bit to mold and shape it into something beautiful, something worthy of admiration, and to be given as much as it has given, but bitter b!tches can't do that:) So I will work on trusting me and loving me like I love everyone else by being as patient as I am with them with myself and allowing the occasional excuse of "well dayum can i just c what it feels like" to be enough to justify my willful ignorance. At least for a little while, until it hurts too much to keep the lie alive. Then I will take time to heal, reflect, revise, edit, and reformat until I am back again, ready for round two. Just like the phoenix, even from the dust from my feet, where ever my essence is I will rise to fight again:)

The Problem

The problem isn't that we don't fit,
the problem is we fit 2 well.
We r so much alike and i can tell by the
way u hold me that you are scared of me but not
just me, what i represent. A
future u that was not ur intent
to be treasured and never spent so
sometimes u push me away, and if I
wasn't so stubborn, I wouldn't go so far
but i do.
And as for u,
i don't know what this is that i m feeling but
a small part of me is willing to explore the
impossible to ignore thing that is growing and
making heated progression with each session
inside my soul
O it is a blessing
and a curse but
can't tell which is worse since
i guess i m that parodoxical path that
wanted wear and despite my reluctance to
share ur padded soles walked all the proud right
out of me:) and even though u took such care and
stepped lightly,
the only real tragedy
is it can only
get worse
from here
bcuz it couldn't have been any better.
So what is left
we have done so much in so short a time
that the only thing left is our demise,
and even my attempts to disguise those negative
thoughts
only pay homage to the tears forming already
like they are being stored in the city's water supply
waiting for those few sharp words
that pierce the flood gates;
my mind's eyes are already mourning the loss
of u and even though my heart craves the touch
of u my body has felt a bit 2 much of u
so we r fonkin now, set trippin with each other
for clutchin u
my heart b@tch slapped my brain and words born in my lungs
died on my lips and what spat out my mouth
so cold it caused the runs in my nose and
froze the water on my knees. I can't believe
how far and how fast we have traveled, that
this dirt road turned to gravel then sand
and now we r just holding hands ocean side
looking for a boat
or even just some wood so we can
continue making a way against the waves:)
I can't conceive what it will feel like after this,
no references no map for this
and every thing before seems like practices cuz this
has 2 b a test, right
nothing else has made me lose sleep at night
or wrestle within my own soul's sight
mayb it would b better for us both if u
please just leave now, b4
i won't b able 2 let u go without a fight
cuz something about this whole thing just ain't right
it's makin me breathless, so tight, constricted
I think that's
the problem,
isn't it??

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Inspired

I was inspired to write something today, just to try to get in the habit of writing I guess but really can't think of too much to say. I guess my mind is pretty clear now. Had a good convo with my baby who set my mind rite, gave me some perspective and made me appreciate my life a little bit more for the ppl and things I have in it. I guess in a way I am thankful to know that ppl actually do care about me and what I think, how I feel, and the words I use to express that:) Pretty deep how love can make u feel 10 feet tall or 6 feet deep and only u get 2 control the direction:) haha, I m gonna enjoy this:)

Monday, October 4, 2010

Chocolate

Not sure how I feel about the title
though
it
indicates sweetness which i am
and being irresistibly desired
which comes naturally to me
and an addiction that even rehab can't fix
I guess if ever there were one phrase to sum
up my essence
I can accept
it 4
what it is:)

American Haiku

America is
the land of choice, but we choose
2 be blind and deaf

I CALLED YOU

I CALLED YOU, BUT
SINCE YOU DIDN’T ANSWER UR PHONE,
I WAS STUPID ENOUGH 2 CONSIDER THAT MAYBE YOU
WOULD SEE THAT I CALLED AND CALL BACK
BUT
YOU HAVEN’T
IT’S 9:10 AND
EVEN AS I M SITTING HERE LITERALLY WAITING BY MY PHONE AND THINKING WHEN DID I BECOME THIS CHICK AS MY
MIND FEELS WITH THE MEMORIES THAT ENTER ME
LIKE U ENTERED ME AND MADE ME FEEL WARM
AND SAFE
FOR NO APPARENT REASON JUICIES BEGAN 2 FORM IN A WAY THAT I DIDN’T KNOW B4 THEY COULD, AND TO SAY WHAT I FELT FROM YOU WAS GOOD
WOULD BE AND INSULT TO THE GREATNESS THAT HAS ME
IN SUCH DEBATE, IT’S
THE ESSENCES OF YOUR CARESSES THAT KEEPS MY
HEART GUESSIN I SHOULD GIVE U ANOTHER CHANCE
AND EVEN THOUGH IT STRESSES MY MIND
MY BODY IS SO TIRED OF WAITING ON THE SIDELINE
BITCH GET OUT THERE AND DANCE
DANCE
DANCE UNTIL U FAINT . . .
IT’S 9:44 AND EVEN THOUGH A PART OF ME IS THINKING WHEN DID I BECOME THIS BROAD WHO REALLY PLANS HER DAY AROUND MINUTES OF PHONE CALLS AND WHO
MELTS AT THE SOUND OF HIS VOICE
AND WHO IS WILLING TO EVEN DO THINGS
I ONCE SAID ONLY FOOLS DO
I SIT AND SIT
AND SIT
WAITING FOR U
I HAD TO GET OUT OF BED BECAUSE THE LONGER I LAID THERE THE MADDER I GOT AND THE MADDER I GOT THE MORE I BEGAN TO THINK ABOUT Y I EVEN CARED AND
THINKING ABOUT WHY I CARED I BEGAN TO PICTURE AND FEEL YOU GRIPPING MY THIGHS AND DAMN,
I GOT IT BAD,
I MEAN THERE ARE ONLY A HANDFUL A MEN WHO CAN SAY THEY HAVE BEEN WHERE YOU HAVE BEEN AND PARTAKEN IN THE PLEASURE OF THIS TREASURE
SINCE I KNOW U HAVE BEEN FIRING OFF EM SO LONG U HARDLY TREASURE THE EXPERIENCE LIKE I DO
BUT IT MEANS SOMETHING TO
ME
I FEEL LIKE YOU CAN SEE THROUGH ME
BUT DON’T SPEAK OFTEN ENOUGH
TO REALLY SCHOOL ME, JUST TO FOOL ME
AND WHEN WE MET, FUNNILY AS IT MAY SOUND I DECIDED TO
LET U HOLD ME DOWN CUZ
I THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE SAFE, U KNOW YOU
WEREN’T THE USUAL TYPE OF USUAL DUDE I USUALLY DATE
SO BY MAKING YOU MY MATE I FIGURED I DIDN’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT HOLDING ON TO U BCUZ
LOSING U WOULD B AS EASY AS FINDING U
IF NOTHING ENDED UP BINDING
US 2GETHER
BUT NOW MY STOMACH IS BOUND IN KNOTS FROM THOUGHTS OF U NOT HOLDING ME AND WANTING TO BE HELD
AND NOT JUST BY ANYONE
LIKE I NEVER FELT WARMTH UNTIL NOW
IT ALL SOUNDS SO STUPID
CUPID IS A PUNK ASS BITCH FOR THE ARROWS HE WASTED IN THE SPACE BELOW MY JEANS,
YOU KNOW UR FAVORITE ONES WITH THE CREASES SOWN IN AND NO BACK POCKETS SO U CAN SEE HOW U GOT IT PERKY SITTIN NICELY IN EM
BUT EVEN THOUGH IT FEELS PHENONMENAL TO BE SO FULL OF THESE FEELINGS I NEVER FELT B4 AND
I HONESTLY DON’T EVEN REALLY KNOW IF I AM FEELING U OR FEELIN LIKE I M FALLIN IN LOVE
WITH THE IDEA OF
BEING IN LOVE
HAVING NEVER REALLY BEEN IN LOVE B4, IT STILL SEEMS
THAT BEING FULFILLED AND NOT CHERISHED, BEDDED AND NOT WIFED, LETTING YOU PLAY A SURROGATE FOR THE REAL THING ISN’T
ENOUGH 4 ME, BUT WHAT I FEEL MOST IS
I M SO TIRED OF PLAYING HOUSE
ALREADY FEELING THE BUYER’S REMORSE BEFORE I POSSESS KEY SINCE IT SEEMS BY INVESTING I MAY HAVE 2 BUILD IT AND FINANCE IT ALL ALONE
AND EVEN THOUGH I CAN’T CONDONE THE
LOVE I FEEL FOR U
OR UNDERSTAND THE MOANS WHEN I DEAL WITH U
ALL I HAVE ARE MEMORIES OF WHAT IT COULD BE
AND IT’S KILLING ME THAT I CAN’T EVEN TELL U
BECAUSE U
WON’T
CALL
ME
BACK