It is amazing how one minute in life, when u think u have everything figured out, how quickly things can change . . . in an instant. I feel like I have been hit with several things all at once, wrecking my car, adding new people to my life, drawing new lines in the sand 4 the old ppl 2 cross and cross again and b mad when i fire them:) lol But the most amazing part is how ppl u expect 2 step up and have ur back back away and those who always play the background come to be the faces u depend on the most. I feel humbled in a different way, at the mercy of others, the kindness of strangers when everyone and everything I have ever known has always found a way 2 b less than I needed, but sadly, always exactly what I expected. But that's not the epiphany.
So where my moment of real, speechlessness came in a conversation with my guy 2day. Even though I am really at a point when I am completely falling apart, I appear happy and content to the outside world. I have always had the ability to smile when life is punching me in the throat, (we'll call that the talent of a fat kid trying not to cry in the cake even when no one around really wants him 2 enjoy it, random but made me chuckle so take it:) Anyway, so he started explaining that he didn't think he was the type of dude I needed, how I had everything going for me and he really didn't want to ruin it. And in the few seconds this man is pouring his heart out I was thinking, does he really not think he is good enough 4 me:) Wow, never heard that one b4, I was taken aback a bit:) Now, really analyzing the situation, we are not on the same level at all so I guess I could kinda see him asking what I am doing with him.
I haven't responded to the question yet, but what I was thinking was more along the lines of I m using u as a mirror 2 c myself more clearly. There are flaws that come up in a relationship that do not present themselves in regular life and, considering I have ran from every semi-attached experience with every man I have EVER been with in some way or another, I figure I am 2 tall 2 still be scared of the boogey man. SO i am not running any more.
It's almost funny bcuz at a time when my life could be falling apart from under me, the only thought really on my mind is what have I been running from, and y did I choose him 2 actually try with. He's practically telling me he's not worth it, in more than just his words but a part of me is just saying just let it play out and see what happens. But none of these things really equal up to a real answer, so I guess I will be stuck in this moment until something comes along, like it always does, and pushes me into the next frame of the comic strip that is my life:) lmao or at least laugh now . . cry later:)