random relief

thinkin bout it lately
and Love's a good idea
seems like a unicorn
needs belief 2 appear
and i ain't fearin nothing
jus not amped enuff
to pull the strap pray the parachute open right and jump
i think i think to much
brain puts itself in check
can't play the blind passenger
hear my third eye screamin train wreck
don't wanna lose respect
can't help but play the game
still picture ur car
can't 'member ur name
and if u had a millions
I wouldn't ask 4 50
and nothin out ur mouth
can help ur chance to hit me
I'm not the average chick
spend ur best lines 2 get with
trick ur rent money 2 sit with
if i don't wanna experiment still can't get sh!t
and sex don't equal feelins
and fonkin 2 create simple beef
it's jus a biological function
resultin in
relief
Belief in somethin greater
makes me wish for better later
but since i'm prisioned in the present
savin strength 2 convalesce and
considering this a lesson in repressin
my aggression
usin discretion indiscreetly
both chiefly and sweetly
because I need me
far more than u ever could:)
So slightly damaged but still good
misunderstood as hood
unfortunately actually abnormal normality
and even once onset the reality
of my eggs mortality I hope not 2 apply
the fallacy of desperation deterring
my mentality, I challenge me
2 stick 2 my guns and it's coo
2 fire off a few
havin some fun
jus don't bake no unnecessary buns
cuz errybody knows a lone biscuit does
not a meal make:)
hard 2 swallow but necessary 2 take:)
and even though i'm being real
I doubt anyone could feel the
still waters that run deep in my veins
but u'll rarely hear me complain cuz
logic is all that keeps me sane
though i can c u think i'm spacin
cuz I would rather lose them
in ovulation than 2 bear them
in angry spiteful obligation waitin
4 them 2 get tall enuff 2 b hatin me back
just thinkin about it bought a tear 2 my soul:*)
i like 2 think of myself as a work in progress
that is progressively getting worse for wear
and starting not to care
but holding on to the glint
of optimism still there with a shaky hand
and an earnest prayer while
my inner demons dance around daring me
to just let go
and as tempting as it is
I still manage to smile and say
no:)
to b continued . . .

acceptance

Feels like everyday I am drowning more and more, and with each passing day
new smiling faces are passing by
dumping buckets of cold water
on top of my head just when I have found
a way to breathe comfortably,
so I think.
I feel like there is a hole in my soul
that I keep trying to fill with various things,
random people, fabricated feelings, pseudo-relationships,
all these distractions from
what is really drowning me
inside.
Can't quite put my finger on it,
the facade is in tact,
wonderfully crafted, complete . . .
but beyond the surface,
numbness.
And I don't want to see ne1 to talk about it,
talking about it only makes it real,
I need to fix it, plug the holes,
stop the leak, grow past the pain,
allow myself to feel the happy that is hid
even deeper than the
hurting.
I have had a relatively charmed life,
in terms of not being too corrupted
by the soil of the world, unless
of course
I chose to lay in it just 2 c what it felt like.
What I am missing, what I need, what hurts
are all things that can't b put into words
but can b easily measured in
tears and groans.
It is amazing how well I have been protected from every hurt,
guarded my heart like a precious stone but
what good is a treasure if
the owner lives under a bridge.
I chose to exercise the muscle,
just to give it a chance to feel and
when I feel,
it hurts
so I get
lazy.
But how does life mean as much if
u go through it in a bubble, bouncing around,
beautiful to see but
catastrophic to handle.
Wishes I could just b normal,
feeling only my feelings, thinking only my thoughts,
dreaming only my dreams rather than taking on
the weight of the world everyday
and failing miserably at
holding it all
up.
Weakness has never been an option for me,
but often a reality
even when in denial about it.
So how can this b,
one who feels everything and
nothing at all all at the same time,
one who has felt 2 much and not enough,
one who feels her feelings are too much for one person
but not strong enough 2 share,
one who is everyone's strength who has none,
everyone's hero but feels nothing super about herself,
not even the stuff to which she is entitled.
Who can put a smile on everyone's face
in their darkest hour
but can't smile at herself
in the mirror @ high noon
bathed in sunshine,
and can love others freely and genuinely
but can't even like herself
all the time.
And while others fight to realize
their abilities
I fight to live up to mine . . .
2 accept the greatness in me and
not b resentful of it,
2 recognize my gifts and cherish them,
2 not refuse the Love God
has shown me and
2 have a portion
of the faith
He has
in
me.