acceptance

Feels like everyday I am drowning more and more, and with each passing day
new smiling faces are passing by
dumping buckets of cold water
on top of my head just when I have found
a way to breathe comfortably,
so I think.
I feel like there is a hole in my soul
that I keep trying to fill with various things,
random people, fabricated feelings, pseudo-relationships,
all these distractions from
what is really drowning me
inside.
Can't quite put my finger on it,
the facade is in tact,
wonderfully crafted, complete . . .
but beyond the surface,
numbness.
And I don't want to see ne1 to talk about it,
talking about it only makes it real,
I need to fix it, plug the holes,
stop the leak, grow past the pain,
allow myself to feel the happy that is hid
even deeper than the
hurting.
I have had a relatively charmed life,
in terms of not being too corrupted
by the soil of the world, unless
of course
I chose to lay in it just 2 c what it felt like.
What I am missing, what I need, what hurts
are all things that can't b put into words
but can b easily measured in
tears and groans.
It is amazing how well I have been protected from every hurt,
guarded my heart like a precious stone but
what good is a treasure if
the owner lives under a bridge.
I chose to exercise the muscle,
just to give it a chance to feel and
when I feel,
it hurts
so I get
lazy.
But how does life mean as much if
u go through it in a bubble, bouncing around,
beautiful to see but
catastrophic to handle.
Wishes I could just b normal,
feeling only my feelings, thinking only my thoughts,
dreaming only my dreams rather than taking on
the weight of the world everyday
and failing miserably at
holding it all
up.
Weakness has never been an option for me,
but often a reality
even when in denial about it.
So how can this b,
one who feels everything and
nothing at all all at the same time,
one who has felt 2 much and not enough,
one who feels her feelings are too much for one person
but not strong enough 2 share,
one who is everyone's strength who has none,
everyone's hero but feels nothing super about herself,
not even the stuff to which she is entitled.
Who can put a smile on everyone's face
in their darkest hour
but can't smile at herself
in the mirror @ high noon
bathed in sunshine,
and can love others freely and genuinely
but can't even like herself
all the time.
And while others fight to realize
their abilities
I fight to live up to mine . . .
2 accept the greatness in me and
not b resentful of it,
2 recognize my gifts and cherish them,
2 not refuse the Love God
has shown me and
2 have a portion
of the faith
He has
in
me.