old bottles, new wine

For a long time I did not understand the parable of putting new wine in old bottles. I initially thought that the container is constant and that it shouldn't matter what was put in it because they were made to withstand everyday use. I can kind of see now that once a container is used it incurs certain wear and tear that makes it damaged goods and putting new liquid, with all it's freshness and bubbles, could potentially make the bottle burst. I see how this relates to ppl. It occurred to me this morning that I am damaged goods, and just because I find a new source to fill my time with, doesn't matter how good or clean the new liquid I chose to fill myself with, the one thing that remains constant is me. I have been dropped, chipped away at, thrown across the room and even once buried in the dirt and yet I still manage to float along though life, bobbing and weaving through the ocean dreaming of the thing to fill me up when in reality no matter what I allow to enter me, whatever goodness that is in it seeps through the cracks in my soul and all that I am left with is the essence of what was, not even what actually was but what it could have been if I had been in a real position to receive it. And so I guess now, instead of always looking for that "new wine" that is going to make me feel useful, I guess I could spend some more of my effort fixing the broken vessel that i have become so if something worth savoring comes along, I might actually be able to enjoy it rather than spreading myself thin to try to compensate for all the holes that time has worn in my bottle:)

Git Money

Everybody is so consumed with the
Git Money at all cost mentality, it's like
we put money over hoes, bro's, and anything goes
as long as it flows but what is that
river u makin it rain with really hidin?
Is it possible that inside
u feel empty and incomplete
and figurin a new pair of shoes or
a nice whip might make u able 2 compete
with those u deem better than u even though
they on that git money sh!t 2.
So with all this getting what do we got
to show for the grave plots and gun shots
we let pop all in the name of the almighty dollar.
Sure u got a stable of yellow bones who come callin
as long as u ballin but when u go 2 fallin
off u find that easy come easy go isn't just
a frame of mind
but ur reality.
And what about those who plot and scheme
but with an educational theme to seem as
though they represent what is best in us,
or better than the rest of us
either way not embracin what's
blessed in us and we
don't even deserve it and can't
manage 2 make enough money worth it.
So if ur self esteem is hidden in cream,
u mind is on the grind,
u can't find it sunny when yo money funny, or
ur pockets get low faster than a 2 dolla hoe
maybe u might consider re-evaluatin
what ever it is that's motivatin u and
tune in 2
the big picture coming
soon 2 a theater
near
you:)
And don't worry about all that
change makin ur vision blurry
cuz karma is a b!tch that only
films in hd:)
But if u 2 fargone already
I guess ur warning will
live among the birds above
ur head where
my words b:)

random relief

thinkin bout it lately
and Love's a good idea
seems like a unicorn
needs belief 2 appear
and i ain't fearin nothing
jus not amped enuff
to pull the strap pray the parachute open right and jump
i think i think to much
brain puts itself in check
can't play the blind passenger
hear my third eye screamin train wreck
don't wanna lose respect
can't help but play the game
still picture ur car
can't 'member ur name
and if u had a millions
I wouldn't ask 4 50
and nothin out ur mouth
can help ur chance to hit me
I'm not the average chick
spend ur best lines 2 get with
trick ur rent money 2 sit with
if i don't wanna experiment still can't get sh!t
and sex don't equal feelins
and fonkin 2 create simple beef
it's jus a biological function
resultin in
relief
Belief in somethin greater
makes me wish for better later
but since i'm prisioned in the present
savin strength 2 convalesce and
considering this a lesson in repressin
my aggression
usin discretion indiscreetly
both chiefly and sweetly
because I need me
far more than u ever could:)
So slightly damaged but still good
misunderstood as hood
unfortunately actually abnormal normality
and even once onset the reality
of my eggs mortality I hope not 2 apply
the fallacy of desperation deterring
my mentality, I challenge me
2 stick 2 my guns and it's coo
2 fire off a few
havin some fun
jus don't bake no unnecessary buns
cuz errybody knows a lone biscuit does
not a meal make:)
hard 2 swallow but necessary 2 take:)
and even though i'm being real
I doubt anyone could feel the
still waters that run deep in my veins
but u'll rarely hear me complain cuz
logic is all that keeps me sane
though i can c u think i'm spacin
cuz I would rather lose them
in ovulation than 2 bear them
in angry spiteful obligation waitin
4 them 2 get tall enuff 2 b hatin me back
just thinkin about it bought a tear 2 my soul:*)
i like 2 think of myself as a work in progress
that is progressively getting worse for wear
and starting not to care
but holding on to the glint
of optimism still there with a shaky hand
and an earnest prayer while
my inner demons dance around daring me
to just let go
and as tempting as it is
I still manage to smile and say
no:)
to b continued . . .

acceptance

Feels like everyday I am drowning more and more, and with each passing day
new smiling faces are passing by
dumping buckets of cold water
on top of my head just when I have found
a way to breathe comfortably,
so I think.
I feel like there is a hole in my soul
that I keep trying to fill with various things,
random people, fabricated feelings, pseudo-relationships,
all these distractions from
what is really drowning me
inside.
Can't quite put my finger on it,
the facade is in tact,
wonderfully crafted, complete . . .
but beyond the surface,
numbness.
And I don't want to see ne1 to talk about it,
talking about it only makes it real,
I need to fix it, plug the holes,
stop the leak, grow past the pain,
allow myself to feel the happy that is hid
even deeper than the
hurting.
I have had a relatively charmed life,
in terms of not being too corrupted
by the soil of the world, unless
of course
I chose to lay in it just 2 c what it felt like.
What I am missing, what I need, what hurts
are all things that can't b put into words
but can b easily measured in
tears and groans.
It is amazing how well I have been protected from every hurt,
guarded my heart like a precious stone but
what good is a treasure if
the owner lives under a bridge.
I chose to exercise the muscle,
just to give it a chance to feel and
when I feel,
it hurts
so I get
lazy.
But how does life mean as much if
u go through it in a bubble, bouncing around,
beautiful to see but
catastrophic to handle.
Wishes I could just b normal,
feeling only my feelings, thinking only my thoughts,
dreaming only my dreams rather than taking on
the weight of the world everyday
and failing miserably at
holding it all
up.
Weakness has never been an option for me,
but often a reality
even when in denial about it.
So how can this b,
one who feels everything and
nothing at all all at the same time,
one who has felt 2 much and not enough,
one who feels her feelings are too much for one person
but not strong enough 2 share,
one who is everyone's strength who has none,
everyone's hero but feels nothing super about herself,
not even the stuff to which she is entitled.
Who can put a smile on everyone's face
in their darkest hour
but can't smile at herself
in the mirror @ high noon
bathed in sunshine,
and can love others freely and genuinely
but can't even like herself
all the time.
And while others fight to realize
their abilities
I fight to live up to mine . . .
2 accept the greatness in me and
not b resentful of it,
2 recognize my gifts and cherish them,
2 not refuse the Love God
has shown me and
2 have a portion
of the faith
He has
in
me.

Confusion

I am confused
like i genuinely don't know how
I feel about u
I mean
sometimes I like u, u know
like strong like usually right before or
after u know:)
But other times, I would kinda like to lay u
down in front of a car and play
speed bump with u
d@mn, it does sound worse when u say it out loud
lmao lmao lmao

All I know for sure is
that I need u, right now
for some reason unknown 2 me
or so it seems cuz when
I do decide to fire u, I just
can't come up with a reason
and even if I do come up with a reason,
I never can find the words to tell u
and just when I do find the words to tell u
u don't answer the d@mn phone
and even though u call right back
after I hang up
the words
r still mysteriously
gone
(and trust u were fired at least
4 times, well 3 for sure but that last
1 I was on the fence about:)
but still u manage to say something
or do something that makes me
reconsider, like u hit me with that
mental liquor that makes me comfortable,
reassures me that ur ok
or at least u'll work
for Mr. Right now
anyway:)
just really wanted 2 write it down
and let the stupid
live out loud b4 my brain drowns
in confusion

Y

I guess I needed to write something, you know, building good habits and such. Again, not too much going on:
1. The insurance company is completely full of mint green cow paddies, really wish I could just roll through there choppin ppl in the throat, but it's not their fault I m cheap. If only I really could have saved money switching 2 Geico I could tell these hoes to eat a disc (no typo) (pretty sure that was a wasted 1 but if I have 2 explain it, it loses the funny 2 me so I will just let that ride and u let it marinate a bit, in the meanwhile I think I just made my next fb stat, but i digress:)
2. The boo is still on that "I know u seein sumbody else" jazz, really wanna tell him to grow a pair and step it up but u cain't say dat, u cain't say dat, so I guess I will just stroke the ego and keep the peace so I don't allow his side comments 2 infect me with bitter b!tch syndrome (u know the symptoms: not givin a f@^k about sum1 else's feelings, genuinely getting pleasure from the pain of others, verbal flatulence, and attitudinal diarrhea:) (second stat:)
3. Seems like I really can't get right right now, everything is bad and stupid and poorly done . . . and in 3 to 5 days when the leaking stops, life will be right as rain, sometimes I hate being a woman. All these d@mn feelings, it would be so nice to just brush things off, but it's like estrogen forces u 2 feel stuff. I think that is y broads b so emotional, even when u try not 2 b just makes it come faster and harder. Can't speak for anyone else but it pisses me off to know in:)
that will b all, irritating myself now . . . until later:)

Resolve

Feel like I have reached a point of resolve with many things that have been going through my mind and just wanted to document my progress:)
1. Though my car is wrecked, and this is the first time since I was about 13 that I didn't have a car or a real plan to get one but yet, having to wait on someone else to tell me what to do next (an entirely new set of issues:), I think I resolved today not to worry about it, officially. I mean it has to be resolved soon and all I can do is wait any way, finally have a plan and a back up plan for either way it could go and now all I need to do is be patient, which I can to do, u shut up:)
2. I still haven't responded to the "so y r u with me" ? but today I resolved that if he was so d@mn curious, he would ask again. And until he brings it up, I will just cross the sh!t creek bridge when it really gets to burnin my eyes:) lmao
3. I was concerned about going back to school but I believe today I will turn in a new app for the correct semester and really look off into what I need to do to make it happen. I may even call Sallie Mae to see their decision on my payments. Unlike most ppl, I am not really worried about student loans cuz the way I see it imma always owe somebody something, might as well have the type of stuff I want so when I am paying it back, I can see my money at work:)
4. I think I have hit a plateau with teaching, I don't want to quit or anything, but I definitely want to have a workable back up plan in the making so when it does get played out, I can move on in a rather seamless transition.
5. I know my body is getting older and changing, in some cases, out right mutiny:) lmao but I also know what I need to do to keep it in check, I think I have resolved today to really start doing that more actively or at least not ending a day until I took a genuine stab at it:)
We'll see where i m at with these things in a week or what new mischief that has camped in my head:)